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Sorry, I've Been So Busy

My least favorite thing to be is "too busy," and yet I've been way too busy for over a month now. The biggest lesson I've learned in this busy-ness is how crucial it is that I not let it get to this point again. When I am constantly booked, I feel pressured, overwhelmed and stressed beyond my ability to cope in healthy ways. I eat junk, I get irritable, I have insomnia... none of which I want. But without down time to decompress, without free time to connect with my son, my pets, my boyfriend and his son, without unscheduled hours during which I might feel inspired to write, paint or garden.... I'm a cranky mass of mess and stress. My son is too scheduled, too, and I'm wrestling with that. A lot. He has two extracurricular commitments- karate, which meets just twice a week for 45 minutes, and Cub Scouts, which generally has 3 meetings a month plus activities most weekends and we're in "popcorn fundraiser season." Given that I work 9-5, ...
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Please, Lord, Give Me a Sign

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Oh, the signs I've ignored. Signs that usually take the form of  HUGE, FLAILING RED FLAGS. And I've found a way to dismiss or minimize them until the flags eclipse the entire view, and I've no choice but to acknowledge them. But signs of opportunity have appeared as well. The moment I started considering graduate school, I met happy students from the program I was exploring. When I was at my wits' end at a previous job, I got an email with a job offer for a new position that hadn't even existed a month prior. When I decided I wanted to date, I signed up for match.com and was connected with my honey in less than a week, our similarities unbelievable and our compatibility undeniable. Recently I've been asking for signs again- something to guide me in my next step. I'm plenty busy- it's not as if I need "more." But I'm feeling scattered and ineffective, like my efforts are diluted and my true gifts aren't tapped. I've no desire...
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Spending, Target-Style

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Financial freedom is my focus right now. It is important to me to feel "out from under" my financial situation, and to feel more free and confident with my debt management, spending, and saving. That said- I haven't set any concrete plans for this, aside from reducing my grocery budget and keeping it firm (three weeks and going strong!). "Less debt, more saving" isn't exactly a measurable end goal. It's hard to know what's realistic, and none of it sounds especially promising with my current income. I do know I don't want a luxury car. I don't want a bigger house. I don't want designer handbags. I do want a pool membership next summer. I do want play money to take my son to the movies, go grab dinner out on a whim, or get a manicure. I'm more "Target" spending than "Bloomingdale's" spending, and I'm aiming to stay out of Walmart all together. Interestingly though,  money habits are directly re...
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Prickly

"They think you're prickly." Ten years ago someone said that to me when I was in the middle of an ongoing personal trauma and feeling unsupported. A few years later, in the midst of another conflict, someone told me, "You're a bitch. This person thinks you're a bitch, I think you're a bitch, everyone says you're a bitch." At the time, it had the intended impact- I felt almost physically as if I had been slapped in the face. Because back then, "bitch" was about the nastiest thing someone could call me. I took such pride throughout my whole life in being "nice." I went to great efforts to make others feel better, to not offend, to tread lightly. For my whole life.  But here's a funny twist. Last year, I went through another traumatic life event, and as I wrestled with that and tried to claw my way out of the devastation, I realized very clearly that I had not been "bitch" enough. That my "being nic...
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A Woman on a Mission

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I'm a dabbler, by nature. I love to explore, play around, and experiment without commitment. I'm too interested in too many things to narrow my scope down to one area of expertise. I know a dash about birds, a sprinkle of child development, a splash of holistic nutrition. It works for me. It's how I "work." I try new things. I start new ventures. When I've had my fill, I move on. In a few instances, I've had a problem with follow-through or running out of steam- I learned early on that I can be overly-enthusiastic about "new" and have learned to do more research before I branch out. But for the most part, I tackle a new experience, learn it for a while, and then just felt sated and ready for the next experience. This, however, doesn't mean that I can't see things through. It doesn't mean I give up when the going gets tough or throw in the towel when I don't get my way. Give me a mission and I'm on it. Scratch tha...
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The Recipe for My Awesome Sauce

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Allow me to share with you the recipe for my Awesome Sauce. This recipe has been cultivated over 37 years through trial-and-error. It's not for everyone. It's an acquired taste. But it's one I've learned to love. And also, it is not food. It's not edible. It's not literally a sauce, you guys. My Awesome Sauce recipe describes the components that make up ME, wholly, fully, as I stand today. There are sweet parts and bitter, and no one ever knows whether it's best served hot or cold. But, take it or leave it, 'cause it's what's on the menu. Last week I just felt so.... low. I saw people in my life who seem to have so much more. I saw happiness and ease, while I felt like I was drowning. I felt myself spiraling into self-pity and self-deprecation, thinking of all the things I don't have or can't do. I felt inept. In the past, a "gratitude bomb" would help. I'd list every thing I could conjure even the tinie...
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The Things I Love

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These pets.... and the sneaky, spazzy, pounce-y one who was on my left shoulder when I snapped this photo on a lazy Sunday morning.  Cooking. Baking. Experimenting with both. Roasting pumpkin seeds. Using chipotle peppers. Making breakfast muffins with all-natural ingredients and no sugar or oil.   The look of home-grown salt crystals. My son's inquisitive nature. The fact that he digs science. The fact that he can open a science experiment kit and independently make a fruit clock, using the instructions and wiring provided.  Hiking.  Nature.  Sunshine.  Water.  Gardening.  Weeding.  Bird watching.  Writing.  Reading.  My boyfriend.  My home.  Sweating.  Zumba.  The YMCA. Connecting.  Disconnecting.  Naps.  Pizza. Red wine.  ...to be continued...
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