Fierce, sometimes.

"They think you're prickly." Ten years ago someone said that to me when I was in the middle of an ongoing personal trauma and feeling unsupported. A few years later, in the midst of another conflict, someone told me, "You're a bitch. This person thinks you're a bitch, I think you're a bitch, everyone says you're a bitch." At the time, it had the intended impact- I felt almost physically as if I had been slapped in the face. Because back then, "bitch" was about the nastiest thing someone could call me. I took such pride throughout my whole life in being "nice." I went to great efforts to make others feel better, to not offend, to tread lightly. For my whole life.  But here's a funny twist. Last year, I went through another traumatic life event, and as I wrestled with that and tried to claw my way out of the devastation, I realized very clearly that I had not been "bitch" enough. That my "being nic...

I'm a dabbler, by nature. I love to explore, play around, and experiment without commitment. I'm too interested in too many things to narrow my scope down to one area of expertise. I know a dash about birds, a sprinkle of child development, a splash of holistic nutrition. It works for me. It's how I "work." I try new things. I start new ventures. When I've had my fill, I move on. In a few instances, I've had a problem with follow-through or running out of steam- I learned early on that I can be overly-enthusiastic about "new" and have learned to do more research before I branch out. But for the most part, I tackle a new experience, learn it for a while, and then just felt sated and ready for the next experience. This, however, doesn't mean that I can't see things through. It doesn't mean I give up when the going gets tough or throw in the towel when I don't get my way. Give me a mission and I'm on it. Scratch tha...

Allow me to share with you the recipe for my Awesome Sauce. This recipe has been cultivated over 37 years through trial-and-error. It's not for everyone. It's an acquired taste. But it's one I've learned to love. And also, it is not food. It's not edible. It's not literally a sauce, you guys. My Awesome Sauce recipe describes the components that make up ME, wholly, fully, as I stand today. There are sweet parts and bitter, and no one ever knows whether it's best served hot or cold. But, take it or leave it, 'cause it's what's on the menu. Last week I just felt so.... low. I saw people in my life who seem to have so much more. I saw happiness and ease, while I felt like I was drowning. I felt myself spiraling into self-pity and self-deprecation, thinking of all the things I don't have or can't do. I felt inept. In the past, a "gratitude bomb" would help. I'd list every thing I could conjure even the tinie...

These pets.... and the sneaky, spazzy, pounce-y one who was on my left shoulder when I snapped this photo on a lazy Sunday morning.  Cooking. Baking. Experimenting with both. Roasting pumpkin seeds. Using chipotle peppers. Making breakfast muffins with all-natural ingredients and no sugar or oil.   The look of home-grown salt crystals. My son's inquisitive nature. The fact that he digs science. The fact that he can open a science experiment kit and independently make a fruit clock, using the instructions and wiring provided.  Hiking.  Nature.  Sunshine.  Water.  Gardening.  Weeding.  Bird watching.  Writing.  Reading.  My boyfriend.  My home.  Sweating.  Zumba.  The YMCA. Connecting.  Disconnecting.  Naps.  Pizza. Red wine.  ...to be continued...

Last week I signed up for this supposedly-self-care email series, hoping it would nudge me to take better care of myself during a pretty stressful time. Imagine my disgust disappointment when the first email arrived, suggesting readers take more bubble baths with scented epsom salt. I love me some scented epsom salt baths. But. If you claim to be a self-care guru, and your first tip is that predictable simplistic off-base useless   uninspired  elementary, you're putting out some false claims. Because, contrary to what women's magazines and self-help books would have you believe,  a bubble bath is NOT the epitome of self care. A bubble bath is ONE example of pampering or relaxation. A pedicure is another example. A massage... You get it. Pampering and relaxation are a component of self-care, but I would argue that they are the LEAST important parts. Pampering is, like, the icing on the cake of a self-care approach. But no amount of pampering in the world wil...

Finding grace... sometimes just takes little time and space. This weekend my son spent a lot of time with other friends, and we had a little breather from each other. He wrote the apology letter required to bail out his electronics: Our minimal time together has been peaceful and happy- a marked difference from the hellish evenings of last week. Sometimes things come to a head and even though nothing actually changes, everything is different.  I've had enough time to get some perspective on my feelings of overwhelm, too. I'm remembering my priorities and what I want for my son... And realizing there are a lot of things in life that don't deserve the energy I give them. Things that don't reciprocate.  Some of these things are roles. Some of these things are people. Some of these things are tasks I've been fixated on, but realize that they're not really benefitting me in the way I think they should.  So it's time to back off, to budget ou...

In the past month, I've spent $535 on groceries. This is not including takeout or meals out, which are fairly rare since I pack my lunch almost every day. This is not including alcohol. This is also not taking into account that my honey often shows up with food he's bought for dinner, and it's not taking into account times we are invited elsewhere for meals. So I figure it's a good estimate. I don't know if $535 for two people is average, huge, or frugal. I have no context. I think I'm careful in shopping, and I plan to the best of my ability. I don't over-buy fresh foods, so there's no waste. I cook extra every single time so we can have easy leftovers. I use coupons when they're relevant, I buy store brands or shop sales, constantly comparing PPU rather than sale price. I felt pretty confident that I'm being as frugal as possible on groceries. But then I remembered Aldi. I hadn't been in years, and decided to check it out again. It wa...

My son is generally smart, I think. He's always been adept at working the system (i.e.: his mom). He has always easily spouted facts on science, nature, technology. So easily that he corrects me, often. He struggles in reading, but does pretty well in school. He is particular in every way, with a sharp memory and scarily-accurate recall. So imagine my surprise when this very smart boy made the unwise decision to push my buttons when I was at my wit's end.   Electronics jail.  Tablet. TV remote. Laptop. Xbox controllers. All in jail, Thursday-Sunday, with a tentative release date of Monday.  Bail is set at: an apology note to me, perfectly respectful behavior between now and then, full cooperation in all activities, and no - I mean ZERO- whining.  He is so stunned, he actually ate broccoli last night.  This is STEP ONE of my Rise: Put your foot down.

This week I'm fumbling. But I swear to God I've been fierce AF the past year, otherwise. I bought a house, I ditched some extra weight, earned a title change at work, I've stepped up my mom game and I even have a sweet honey. #killingit Then. The school year starts. With its endless demands and constant stressors. Homework tears, paperwork ad nauseum, nickel-and-diming letters to home, extracurriculars (Cub Scouts meets on Friday nights, how AWESOME) and catching up with doctor appointments (looks like dude is getting glasses! looks like dude is behind on his dental schedule! looks like dude will need to see a nutritionist if his mom can't get him to expand his palette and slim down a bit!). All of this comes after months of financial touch-and-go, which just sucks the life out of me. When I don't have money- when there's no extra, when bills are late, when I'm holding my breath until payday- nothing else feels okay. I can't let go of the stres...